just went through all the blog posts i could find again from my tumblr/xanga. haha its always an interesting experience cuz i forget about certain things that have happened in my life even though its only been a few years. all the more reason for me to try to update this blog at least once every few months.

currently im at this point in my life where i would say i am pretty happy. if i told my past self this, i’d be so confused because there really is no reason for me to be happy. i still have no security for my future life, i don’t really know what i’m doing. maybe its because i’ve learned to appreciate the little things in my life a lot more in the past year. not complaining though, pretty satisfied just being happy in general.

these movies/shows always make me feel like i really want the emotions/lives that are portrayed by these characters. they make me feel happy while i watch them, because i believe in how real they are while i am immersed in the stories. its sad though that after i come back to reality, i have to realize that life isn’t really like that

crazy dream last night about finding a utopia land hidden from the real world. i think there’s a hidden meaning in this one

In a weird point in my life right now. Getting ready for the real world and I’m still trying to figure out what I truly want in this life. How I want to live it, where do I want to go, and who do I want to surround myself with.

Its hard  because I’m starting to find enjoyment out of different things…so its confusing because Idon’t know even know what I want anymore.  For instance, last night I was hanging out with Nancy and her old friends from high school..and we were playing this game called Mafia.  At first I was kind of unsure if I wanted to hang out with them in the first place.  Because I could tell that they’re a very different group of people than what I have become accustomed to in college.  And also because I remember that I HATED playing Mafia in high school.  I thought it was really boring, took a lot of time, and wasn’t a lot of fun.  But…surprisingly last night was A LOT more fun than what I’ve had in I don’t even know how long…

Its funny because I remember how much I used to hate Troy.  Because there was never anything to do in town, so if anything was going on we were probably playing card/board games in someone’s basement.  Weirdly, I’m starting to enjoy it more now.  Recently I’ve also started to hate drinking. I don’t know what it is, but it just isn’t a lot of fun for me anymore.  Kevin’s been trying to get me to go out for the past couple weeks and I’ve pretty much declined every single time.  I don’t know, I just don’t even feel like being around alcohol anymore.  I think its also because I feel like most of the experiences I’ve had where alcohol was involved weren’t “real”. Like everything that has happened to me where alcohol was involved was just a dream, a blur.  Because even though so many connections were made, most of those bridges have been burned down.  

I want some of those memories that I remember back from high school.  I’ve hung out with Jingwen a couple times in the past month (last time I hung out with her was the summer after senior year of high school), and it just brought back a lot of good memories for me even though a lot of messed up things happened that summer.  Remembering all the random shit I did that summer. Playing card games, singing karaoke, ROCKBAND!? hahahah such good times.  I think that summer is a memory that I’ll keep for the rest of my life, too many sober, good times were had.

Well these are just some of the thoughts I’ve been having in the past few months. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them in concrete words.  I feel like there’s a lot more for me to write down..but unfortunately its lunch time! hahah. Maybe if I remember I’ll come back and write more.  

I don’t know what it is. If I have to change the activities that I participate, if I have to change who I hang out with regularly but hopefully I’ll figure it out sooner or later and learn more about myself in the process. 

Edit: OH before I forget. Mafia was probably fun because of the people, not the game.  I guess it was weird because it was the first time I’ve ever played that game where people tried to play it through seriously the entire time. And I don’t know if most of the people that I’ve met in college would be mature enough to do that

so many things are bothering me right now and i can’t stop thinking about them. but im trying my best to ignore them, because ultimately there’s nothing that can be done to fix them

right now i need someone to inspire me

watching 50/50 right now, a movie about a 27 year old man who has a severe form of cancer. pretty good movie so far but while i was watching it reminded me of how depressing life can be sometimes.  wish there was a way to prevent that from ever happening..if there was some sort of like safety net i can create for myself. unfortunately, i ultimately have no control of a lot of the things in my life. there’s no way to guarantee happiness, which is sad to think about. maybe one day i’ll find a way but for now, im just going through this day by day. looking forward to the exciting events coming up.  it still feels empty though because i know the excitement/happiness is short-lived.

depressing movies are depressing